For a Boy: Nathan

I know, Nathan is like the most-grotesquely-popular-name-in-the-history-of-the-world-ever. But hear me out. It’s from the Hebrew natan, meaning gift, and that’s what we feel we’re getting.

Not to ruin everyone’s day, but this is our second pregnancy. The first ended in the emergency room after 11 weeks. I’m not going to say too much about that experience now, except that it was as soul-crushing as it sounds. And afterward there’s nothing you can do really but cry and sleep, and neither makes you feel better.

But you do start to appreciate things beyond your control.

So here’s to “Nathan,” as his mother and I will call him when he brings home his first C.

Or “Nathaniel,” as he’ll call himself when he publishes a stodgy novel about suburban discontents.

Or “Nate,” as his buddies will chant when he shotguns his first beer.

I’ll take any of these. It’s all gravy from here.

Read Full Post »

For a Girl: Reese

It has nothing to do with this gal . . .

. . . although let’s pause for a second to welcome the 16-year-old boys who just found this blog by mistake. What’s up, dudes?

No, my wife and I chose “Reese” for two reasons.

One, that’s the name of the building where we first met — Reese Phifer Hall at the University of Alabama. Check it out:

If I had any sense of staging, I would have asked her out on the front steps between those Doric columns. But, alas, I did not have any sense. So I choose a dim-lit fire exit around the side.

The second reason we selected “Reese” is because of these:

In college, my wife had a jar of these in her kitchen. I believe they were there for decoration. But little did she know she was dating THE WORLD’S BIGGEST FAN OF CHOCOLATE PEANUT BUTTER CANDIES. And so I ate them. All of them. And every time I came back over, I found the jar had been magically refilled, as if replenished by some other-worldly life force.

Also, this is how I got fat.

TOMORROW: The name we chose for a boy.

Read Full Post »

How to Name Your Kid

I don’t generally give advice on this blog.

Because I don’t generally know what I’m talking about.

But having spent the last seven months trying to come up with a name for our child, I feel it’s my duty to share what little I’ve learned. There are two basic rules, and they both concern things you shouldn’t do:

1. Do not work in public education. As a teacher, you will have (literally) hundreds upon hundreds of students. And although most teachers like to think that “every student is an opportunity,” the truth is that “every student is a opportunity . . . to ruin a perfectly good name for your baby.” I’m not kidding. You will be sitting in bed, watching Colbert, and you’ll say to your lovely wife, “How about Max?” And your wife will say, “No, I had a Max once and he kept drawing penises on the blackboard.” And then your wife will say, “What about Lindsay?” And you’ll say, “No, I had a Lindsay once and she couldn’t write.”

2. Do not under any circumstances give your pets human names. I swear to Jesus, the last seven months would’ve have been a breeze had I not used every first name I ever liked on the 1 dog, 9 cats, 6 gerbils, 2 guinea pigs, and 5 neon tetras I had as a child. If this means you have to name your dog Spot, then do it. If you’re lucky, Spot will get along fine with Whiskers, your cat. And Fluffy, your rabbit. Will friends think you were born from a Norman Rockwell painting? Maybe. But it’s a small price to pay.

COMING TOMORROW: the name we chose for a girl.

Read Full Post »