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Posts Tagged ‘Jesus’

As many of you know, Leigh Ann and I met in Tuscaloosa, Alabama, ground zero for the recent tornado outbreak. So far, everyone I’ve talked to is okay. But here’s a photo of Charlestown Square, my old apartment complex:

I lived in a second floor apartment on the far side, in one of the units that no longer appears to exist. Sadly, the unit to the right of mine, where those idiots gave Maxine acid, appears to have survived.

Truth be told, the news coverage is starting to bother me. I keep seeing the same story over and over again. It goes like this: the reporter finds some survivor and asks them how they made it, and that person invariably says they sat in their basement and prayed for Jesus to save them. And then the blowhard reporter (I’m looking at you, Brian Williams) says something like, “I guess he heard you” or “It looks like it worked” or something equally as ridiculous. Look, I understand why this meme exists. People like to think that God is on their side and that they’re a part of the “chosen people” (hell, entire religions are based on this). But no one ever stops to consider what this myth does to the young woman, also in her basement, also praying to Jesus, who had her baby ripped out of her arms and then had to watch helplessly as debris traveling at 200 mph shredded her infant alive. God chose to save you but mutilate that infant? Bullshit, my friend. You lived for the same reason that baby died: random f%&#ing chance.

If you think that sounds a little harsh, consider this: half of these kooks think that baby is going to hell if it wasn’t baptized.

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I don’t generally give advice on this blog.

Because I don’t generally know what I’m talking about.

But having spent the last seven months trying to come up with a name for our child, I feel it’s my duty to share what little I’ve learned. There are two basic rules, and they both concern things you shouldn’t do:

1. Do not work in public education. As a teacher, you will have (literally) hundreds upon hundreds of students. And although most teachers like to think that “every student is an opportunity,” the truth is that “every student is a opportunity . . . to ruin a perfectly good name for your baby.” I’m not kidding. You will be sitting in bed, watching Colbert, and you’ll say to your lovely wife, “How about Max?” And your wife will say, “No, I had a Max once and he kept drawing penises on the blackboard.” And then your wife will say, “What about Lindsay?” And you’ll say, “No, I had a Lindsay once and she couldn’t write.”

2. Do not under any circumstances give your pets human names. I swear to Jesus, the last seven months would’ve have been a breeze had I not used every first name I ever liked on the 1 dog, 9 cats, 6 gerbils, 2 guinea pigs, and 5 neon tetras I had as a child. If this means you have to name your dog Spot, then do it. If you’re lucky, Spot will get along fine with Whiskers, your cat. And Fluffy, your rabbit. Will friends think you were born from a Norman Rockwell painting? Maybe. But it’s a small price to pay.

COMING TOMORROW: the name we chose for a girl.

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